Mary-Kate and Ashley annoy me. I hate the fact that their entire being is a cynical marketing ploy playing on the paedophilic urges of their mature following: 'Mary-Kate and Ashley in action', 'Our lips are sealed', 'Toys (When I grow up)', 'Goin' through our mom's stuff', 'Wild, wet, wacky wonderful world - you're invited'. However, to concentrate on this any further would both disturb me and serve the Olsen twins a disservice, as each of their outings across each media format also contains a prevalence of moral lessons to rival Thundercats and Masters of the Universe, as well as numerous fun facts. They can teach us a lot.
France:
Mary-Kate and Ashley in action: episode 02: Gift with purchase: In which the owner of a cosmetics company attempts to take over the world using mind controlling make-up. We learn that:
* Paris is known as the 'City of Lights'
* The subway system in Paris is called 'The Metro'
* Euro Disney is in Paris
* The Eiffel Tower was built in 1889 by Gustave Eiffel
Mary-Kate and Ashley in action: episode 10: Out of her hair: In which Mary-Kate and Ashley are framed for art theft, and have to discover the true perpetraitor before the police find them. We learn that:
* Paris is the capitol of France
* Paris is the largest "proper" city in continental Europe
* Paris is over 2000 years old
Passport to Paris: (1999) In a film powered by overuse of the phrases, "Oh my gosh!" and "Uh! As if!", Mary-Kate and Ashley are caught gossiping and are duly punnished by being sent on a foreign holiday in Paris away from their parents. Here they stay with their expatriot grandfather. He is more level headed. He realizes that being sent to Paris may be considered more of a holiday than a punnishment, so he forces them to go to parties that consist soley of 3 hours of 'The Macarrena' and 'Scatman' on a gheto blaster, and closed-mouth kissing with the youth of France. Unfortunately, grandad failed to consider that Mary-Kate and Ashley are American and consequently enjoy such lame, obvious tourist activity. He locks them in his house, closing the stable door after the horse has bolted, as they are already pregnant. Not really, I made this up.
Grandad has a dinner party for French diplomats, in which Mary-Kate and Ashley have deep conversation with the French President. They inform him that during the past week they have noticed that all French people drink bottled water, probably because tap water is dirty. Blinded by such faultless logic, he immediately signs a clean water act that he had previously declined to sign until someone pointed out to him possible benefits of clean water.
Grandad is proud of them. With a tact born of practice, Mary-Kate and Ashley mention that Grandma would surely be proud too were she not dead. (It is a contractual obligation that every Olsen twins film must have a dead mother or grandmother in it to demonstrate that people die.) While Grandad goes off to cry, the girls go to a disco where Mary-Kate and Ashley dry-hump the French boys from earlier. This actually does happen.
Bon voyage ("that means have a good trip").
Italy:
Mary-Kate and Ashley in action: episode 03: The mean team: In which Mary-Kate and Ashley display fantastic gymnastic skills to go undercover at a gymnastics competition to stop a computer genius from entering a team of robot gymnasts. We learn that:
* In ancient Rome, auburn-haired puppies were sacrificed to ensure a plentiful corn crop
* Rome has more homeless cats per square mile than any other city in the world
* The cat was the symbol of liberty in ancient Rome
* Rome was the first city to reach a population of 1 million people, in 133 BC
* The proper name of the Coliseum is the Flavian Ampitheatre
When in Rome: (2002) In which Mary-Kate and Ashley work as interns in Rome. They get fired but there is a plot twist and they get re-hired. This happens twice. They reasure you as to their location by repeatedly identifying Piazzi di Spagna, Piazza Navona, the Vatican, and the Baths of Caracalla by name while pointing at them.
Look out for more hot Mary-Kate and Ashley non-nude action coming soon!
