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...really, it's not you, it's me. Honest. No. No, it has nothing to do with your bike pants... it's just that I've got this really bad rash and I don't wanna give it to you ...unless you want me to? [long awkward pause] Did i mention that... I... love.... you...
There are many ways to tell someone that you love them without having to resort to saying those 3 special, yet essentially meaningless, little words. In the 'olden days' (pre-fluoro lycra) a self-penned love letter outlining ones deepest and most sacred feelings would suffice. Similarly acceptable was someone more romantic than yourself expressing said deep and sacred feeling on your behalf, usually in the form of a Hallmark card. For those who really wanted to go nuts, a bunch of hand picked flowers was also good at conveying a loving message. (Red roses indicated ones willingness to engage in sordid animal sex, while white roses went best with marriage proposals.) But in these fast and heady times where online dating is an acceptable medium for meeting loners or even 'normal' people, prospective partners must progress past the obstacles that are inherent in the medium of information technology. Sadly, some technologically-inept loners will be left behind, destined to join the many other unheard victims of the digital divide.
This sad situation has been coupled with a definitive shift in the average loner's expectations of what exactly constitutes the true meaning of 'love' or what it means 'to be in love'. Today's singles must come to realise that the odds of a mass produced piece of shiny card (complete with an exaggerrated and romanticized declaration of emotional dependence) saying anything other than how incredibly unoriginal, morose and borish you are increase at an exponential rate consistent with the incidences of tennis elbow.
The modern male has had to adapt and find new ways to demonstrate his love appropriately in a virtual world where the restrictions on poor taste are less obvious. Without adaptation there is no evolution, but without reproduction their can be neither. Accordingly, the average single won't be getting any oppurtunities to partake in the act of reproduction without adapting. So let's step out of the dark ages and progress past the humble rose - according to the local florist it doesn't matter how many of the over-priced prickly bastards you purchase, nothing says "I love you" better than this seasons exotic rarity, the Tulip-shaped Purple Anthurium.
I posed the question 'what says "I love you" better than anything else?' in a chatroom frequented by midget amputees and lovelorn singles looking to 'hook-up'. For the purposes of this article, what exactly 'hooking up' implies must remain a mystery, though I wouldn't rule out deviant sexual behaviour. Judging by the answers I received, I am happy to confirm that todays single 'netsters indulge themselves in all types of kinky exploits, of which the most popular included sock puppet sexual experimentaion, wild buffalo taming, and the impersonation of every ones favourite ol'dirty uncle - Sanchez.
The immediate volley of responses to my unashamedly voyeuristic inquiry included amongst other things a clean urine sample, woolskin seat covers, a plaster-of-paris mould of ones own wang, argyle diamonds, sharing an aquafart, or even the most simple and thoughtful act of defecating on your lover's chest. Evidently, todays singles seek a wide range of products or services when it comes to addressing their own and their partner's emotional needs. However, I fail to see how anyone might consider bodily waste as evidence of their undying love, with the possibly exception of someone with very little money, morals, dignity, self-respect and intelligence. Someone not unlike myself, but perhaps more like your average federal politician.
I guess some might just consider me a little old fashioned. Might I instead suggest a token of ones affection remain well within the boundaries of good-taste and the state of Utah. A good place to start might be the internet. Download every single song that has ever meant anything to you (including any Prince releases before or after The Artist Formerly Known As underwent his transformation) and burn them onto CD, because I reckon that nothing says "I love you" better than a music industry piracy. And don't forget Dorothy the Dinosaur, an essential on any mix CD.
Article by Zeke.
