Avoiding Xmas

Posted by Vicki on 22.12.05

The desire to avoid as much of Christmas in all its commercial glory and enforced family contact is only too understandable: however in order to avoid being labelled ungrateful or odd (at least in Westernised parts of the world and increasingly vast swathes of urban Oriental Asia) it is often necessary to be inventive in your excuses - as well of the timing of them.

The most simplistic excuse is to say you overslept and thus missed out on all the fun. The downside of this is the inconvenience you will have caused for your host and the fact you will become the butt of endless jokes by everyone concerned - bar the cook who might attack you with a variety of kitchen based implements.

A more socially acceptable is sending a note, either to explain your total absence or to avoid attending for at least part of the festive event. President Bush lead by example in September 2005 when he wrote a note to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice stating "I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?" This initiative should perhaps be taken by US troops in Iraq as unfortunately democracy has yet to receive a warm welcome at this time.

If a note seems too impersonal and you'd rather phone it might be worth looking into a possibility of becoming radioactive for the duration of Christmas; this has the benefits of a condition that inflicts social restrictions upon your movements as well as one that is guaranteed to become a conversation point amongst all your friends and family. Unfortunately being radioactive could be a somewhat short lived experience due to either being encased on concrete, thrown into the reaches of space or mutating into something frightful, it's also not particularly beneficial if you wish to meet new people to improve your festive offers for the following year.

As such being falsely accused of terrorist offences and thrown in an US detention centre could be the ideal anti-consumer statement, you have no temptation or opportunity to buy material goods, everyone wears the same shackles and orange jump suits so there is no class inequality and best of all you stand a very good chance of making lots of new friends both with those people incarcerated with you and assorted human rights workers seeking to contact you.

Johnny the Legal Beaver wishes to state that in no way are you encouraged to try to enter into Guantanamo in order to simply make new friends as this may lead to disappointment, instead Johnny advises you try both contacting JohnnoH and throwing yourself headlong into the questionable policy of detainment pursued by the US in order to maximise your chance of success.